It's Amazing I Ever Got Married (Stories 1 & 2)

STORY ONE

Throughout high school I was known as a nerd. It was so bad that my long term girlfriend had to be from another school where nobody knew that I liked to play with computers. During one brief breakup I did date a girl from my school, but she was in Jr. High and had no idea about the intensity of disdain that most people viewed me with.

So when I started hanging out at the mall or South Park it started to sink in as fact that as long as I talked to a girl who wasn't from Elizabeth Forward High School, I actually stood a chance at scoring a date with her. Because of the life-long ego-beating I was given, I never really set my sights too high and when I did I would invariably fuck things up.

For instance there was Kelly.

That's not her real name. I don't remember her real name.

What happened was that one weekend while her parents were away I was invited to a party at her house with a few of my friends. We arrived and things were going well when drama strikes. I play the concerned guy, help to calm things down and Kelly hints that we should go out sometime. I jump on the chance without thinking things through. You see, if I had paused for a few minutes, I would have realized that she was way to hot for me.

She was something along the lines of 5'4", beautiful face, great smile, wonderful tight 80's jeans and a rack that would make a moose jealous. Cheerleader, model, kind of intelligent too. I'm sure that right now, if I could remember her name and look her up, she's still freaking hot.

Well my loser ass did not have a license, or a car, and she had to pick me up at my moms house. None of this turned her off, but she did ask that I drive back to the part of town where the movie theater is.

About halfway to the theater, on a long and windy road, there stood a cocky groundhog on the white line of the road. Standing there - he looked right at me - our eyes connected and he didn't blink. Neither did I. I totally forglot about Kelly and the fact that we were on a date and that this is her car.

I plowed right over that mutherfucker.

(As an aside, I'd like to say that killing things isn't cool. I was a retarded teenage kid then. I grew up being taught that the only good ground hog was the kind who used his body to feed the opossums. Now, I think it's stupid to kill something that you won't eat yourself.)

Kelly screams, "Oh my god! You hit him on purpose didn't you?"

At this point I still had an out. I could have said that I was trying to swerve or that I thought he was going to run to the left so I turned the wheel right. I could have lied...

If you have read this far, you know I didn't. I told her the truth. She was upset and I tried dealing with it. We watched the movie and we drove home and she was ice cold to me. No kiss, no feel, no ever talking to her again. I went from uber geek loser in high school, to idiot redneck jerkwad with her circle of friends.

STORY TWO

I was living in Oakland at the time with someone who I'm sure would rather go unnamed. It was right before I got involved in my next long-term relationship and there wasn't much to do in the morning besides listen to crappy radio morning shows.

The Rovolution (104.7) was having a Dating Game type of contest. I, having nothing better to do at that time of the morning, decided to call in. Asluck would have it I got on the show with my frist try.

It was me, some other dude and a girl who had to pick between us. The prize was dinner, drinks and a limo ride all around Pittsburgh. I didn't care so much about the date, but the dinner and drinks sounded nice and what the heck maybe the girl would be cute.

Well as the show goes on I'm stomping this guy's ass into the ground. His answers are boring and cliche. She laughed at all of my answers and asked me follow up questions. I had no doubt in my mind that this limo trip, and possibly the girl, were mine!

That's when we went to commerical.

We come back on the air and the DJ is hosting the "call in and help the girl pick" segment of the show. It goes pretty well with most of the girls picking me, that is until one girl gets on the phone and says something along these lines...

"Oh my god. Nathaniel Beall? I went to school with him and he was such a nerd! He was all into computers and stuff. Dungeons and Dragons too I'm sure. Like the biggest nerd you could ever image. Revenge of the nerds type nerd. But with long nasty hair. Do not pick him, trust me!!!"

I almost hung up right there.

The DJ asked me if I had a response. I couldn't outright deny being a nerd. That would never play. The best I could do was be cool enough to cast doubt on this girl's version of reality.

"I have no idea who that was, likely just another girl who I shot down."

(Ohhh smooth huh? I'm not sure what's worse. Running over an innocent little animal, on purpose, while on a first date with a hottie, or uttering the typically stupid "She's just mad because she can't have my dick" comeback.)

I was sunk. 15 seconds later she picked the other guy and yet again my loserdom was exposed to the world - only this time it's not a small circle of friends. It's the entire listening area of The Revolution radio station.

I take solace in knowing that the girl from my HS, whoever she is, is likely on Facebook or Myspace now being the nerd she accused me of being.

I'm glad it's finally over...

That's right folks - Bush is gone!!!

I hope this means that people will stop being idiots because I am just really tired of seeing everyone get in their last shots on the man. It's like one big boring joke, spread across every user accessible site on the internet and the biggest problem is, the joke isn't new, original or very funny.

Seriously, people have had 8 years to come up with good jokes or points about his leadership and the best I'm reading is something along the lines of "HE SUCKED SO BAD!!!"

Yeah and Bush is the guy who can't speak in public very well.

When I found out he got booed today at the Obama inauguration, I kind of felt sad for America. Have we really sunk so low as to boo a guy who is on his way out the door? I mean sure, disagree with every single policy he has come up with, from foreign to financial, but booing? BOOING?

Then I heard people were singing, "Hey Hey Hey Goodbye"...

*hangs head*

Really? This is how you want to celebrate a victory? You want to act like a total unoriginal idiot who worshiped MTV's "Remote Control" in front of all the children who were brought to the nations Capital to see what it means to be an American?

I'm not a fan of the guy. Never was. I'm glad he's gone and I'm very willing to give Obama a chance to really turn things around if he can.

But wow can we, as a people, suck. I don't care who he or she is, I don't care if they vote and push for the one issue I have the strongest opinions about. I will respect the President of the United States of America and you can damn well bet I'll act that way in front of children too.

Luke Steelerstahl - Idiot

So Mayor Luke Ravenstahl is making an idiot of himself. Again.

He is spreading around rumors that he is going to take the "Raven" out of his name and replace it with "Steeler" - for at least the next week or so. Luke Steelerstahl. Can't he just get to the point and change it to Luke Screwedpittsburghup.

First, I'm embarrassed by anyone who would be ashamed of their own last name. I'm not sure what the Ravenstahl family has done, but I doubt that they were all douchebags that need to be remembered this way - by having a failure of a mayor, a successful pupput to Dan Onorato - slam his family heritage simply because it contains some of the same letters of a fairly good NFL team that the Steelers have already beaten twice.

Second - fuck him. The Steelers don't need him to win on Sunday. In fact connecting his shitty mayoral record to their good name will only hurt. I mean how can anyone on that team play with pride when they are constantly being reminded that they are somehow tied, even if in name only, to someone who could have done good things with the city and utterly failed to change a single goddamn thing.

Finally this rumor business... just change your name or not. Stop feeling out the media or the Steeler nation. I'm positive that if more people dump on this lame attempt to gain some popularity before his next election run, Luke is going to say that no, in fact, he isn't going to change his name and that it was all a rumor started by, well, someone mysterious who has contacts to all of the local news networks.

Eat a dick Luke.

For the actual article: http://kdka.com/steelers/Mayor.Ravenstahl.Steelerstahl.2.907975.html

You Are Not Very Important

I don't mean to insult any of you with the title of this post. In fact I am sure that there are several people in the world who think that you are very important, if not the most important, person in the world. I'm just saying that in the grand scheme of things you don't mean all that much.

Which is why I am pretty sure that some of the bar owners (and managers) in Pittsburgh are dumber than a box of rocks, even if you add in the IQ of the box that the rocks came in.

You see, all over Pittsburgh, on almost every night of the week, these idiots are holding VIP parties.

I'm not sure that they know what a VIP is. It seems that if you can find, and read, their grammatically incorrect posts on Facebook or MySpace, that you too can become a VIP and be treated just like - well - everyone else who shows up on that particular night and pays the cover. Back when I started drinking that was what we called "being a customer."

I can only imagine what it would be like to be a real VIP. I mean sure I own a Nightlife / Community website that generated over 8.5 million page views last year (we beat wpxi.com) and I get treated pretty well almost everywhere I go. No cover, free drinks, all-access... But I am pretty damn positive that whenever a minor celebrity like Rumor Willis walks into a bar, that she (and her freaky mutant Rocky Dennis head) get actual VIP treatment.

I can picture it now. Rumor shuffles in, dragging her foot behind her. She sees the candles set out on the bar and starts screaming, "Gahhhhhh!" Three Jr. Assistant Shift Leaders run out and blow out every candle in the bar for her. Frankenstein's Monster is placated and orders her first drink. If she ordered braised puppy with fart sauce they would kill the dog, eat some beans and make it for her. She's not even a real celebrity! She's the product of Bruce Willis and that fake tittied girl who killed her career in the movie "Striptease."

So listen up Pittsburgh. Reading an invite on the internet, even if it was emailed directly to you via a bulk email list, does not make you a VIP. VIPs, even the lumpy headed Hulk Hogan lookalike above, get treated much better than you or I do. They don't pay for drinksm ever. They don't wait in line. They don't have to worry about the dress code. They don't have to do the fake-lesbian dance to get attention from the everyone in the bar.

"Hey, look over there!!!"
"What, beyond the two Mon-valley girls making out to try and get free drinks - say isn't that RUMOR WILLIS???"

I don't care if you paid $300 for a $40 bottle of vodka and have your own table. First off you can't buy VIP status. Second, you can buy bottle service, but you can't make yourself important. In fact I know for a fact that Ben Roethlisberger rarely pays for drinks, let alone $300 for some stinkin Rain Vodka.

So please Pittsburgh - patrons and owners - stop the stupidy.

You look dumber than Rumor Willis.

Delete Your Friends And Get Fat

As an individual who works in the advertising/marketing field I actually enjoy a good commerical. The company that came up with the songs for freecreditreport.com may have annoyed the hell out of you, but they really put the product out there in a very big way.

One company that has always had the wow factor going for them is Burger King.

They are the people who brought you the Subservient Chicken. They took their mascot and transformed him into a creepy plastic headed freak. Maybe that never struck you as a brave thing to do, but just think about it for a minute. Think about Wendy's taking their cute little redhead mascot and turning her into a evil undead zombie. "Where's the brains....."

I think that they do all of this in an effort to make you forget that there is no such thing as a clean looking Burger King. I've been in BK's all over this great nation and have yet to find a table that wasn't stickier than Traci Lords in the 80's.

Anyway - now BK has done it again with one of the most original marketing campaigns I've seen all year! Yes I am aware that it is only January...

http://www.whoppersacrifice.com/

Click this link, install the app, and delete 10 of your friends. Ta-Da! Free Whopper!

Think about it - all of the sudden your ex-boyfriend who added you on MySpace and then followed you to Facebook can finally have a use. That dude who used to work with you that keeps asking how things are going and telling you that you are stupid for staying can now have a pay off. That one night when you were drunk and thought it would be funny to add that annoying kid from the Encyclopedia Britannica Commericals... well, that's just fucked up, but you can delete his nerdy ass and get some free points towards your next cardiac arrest!

Porno...

Located on the border of New Eagle and Monongahela, Videos Unlimited, was the best video store in the entire Mon Valley. They always had the newest titles, they would often forget about late charges, the owner was a really nice guy and they had one hell of a good porno section!

I don't remember the title of the first porn I ever rented, but what I do remember is not having to worry about what I was about to watch. All I wanted, and all I saw, was good old American fucking.

I wasn't a regular but I'm sure I rented a good 20 titles during my Monongahela years. Every single video had a weak plot, too much oral, and some average looking sex acts. Nothing over the top, except perhaps an anal scene, and that was that.

Now I find it practically impossible to rent a porn - and here is why:

• Spitting - Every single porn you rent these days will have a scene with someone spitting on someone else's genitals. I even saw one porn where a girl spit on her own junk. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind a little saliva here and there, but these people are spitting up several ouces of throat-juice and hocking them at perfectly nice reproductive organs.
  
• Editing - I understand that porn is a fairly low-budget thing, but I get bored quickly while looking at the same scene for 20 minutes. It's like they have only one guy with one camera and no ability to edit out the boring stuff. Granted, this wasn't too different in the 80's, but now that they can edit the entire movie on a $500 Mac Mini there is no excuse.
  
• Slappy Slappy - I've been with my fair share of women and I have yet to see a girl, in real life, slap herself on the clit in an attempt to make herself, or me, hot. Just - just - OUCH! Stop it. I don't care if the "actress" is numb down there from years of cock pounding abuse. This is about the customer, not her. She can go bash herself in the cookie with a frying pan after the filming stops.
  
• Plot & Acting - Back in the 80's the plot usually consisted of 3 sentences before the fucking got started. Now they actually take 10 minute breaks between the sex scenes - which is fine. Just stop giving these types of jobs to "actors" who can't act. One non-sex scene involved an actressing talking about the philosophy of love and I couldn't help but think what idiot was behind the camera thinking, "Oh yes, very good!"
  
• Shutup - Shutup - Shutup - Hearing a girl moan the same thing over and over again 3000 times is not hot. Actually hearing a girl moan during an entire sex act is annoying. The last movie I watched had a girl make a hungry growing noise when she went down on a guy. Hey cool... but she did it the entire time she was on him. SHUT UP. (Worse is when they overdub the moaning so it's twice as loud, and the audio doesn't come close to matching the video.)
• Music - Again, back in the 80's there was some sort of excuse for horrible music but at least they didn't play the same 20 second loop over and over again. This is 2009 and we have an entire MySpace full of bands who would love to get paid $100 to have their music used in a porno.
• Licking The Toys - If a girl is using a toy on herself or on someone else she must lick it. Before, during and after. She does this as if the toy is a real penis and she is giving it pleasure. To me it comes off as mentally defective. "Mmm toy, must lick rubber toy.... yum!!"

My Predictions For 2009

1. Jesus will not show up, again, in 2009. However his cousin Ernie will come to Earth and give to mankind the gift of an all new type of french fry. Christianity will be safe from nay-sayers for another thousand years.
   
2. Aliens will finally make themselves known. At first we will greet them with open arms, but by the end of the year they will reveal themselves to be more annoying than our one uncle at the xmas party this year who kept talking about his new job and how much more money he makes now. In December we will pretend that we forgot to text our alien "friends" before going to the bar with everyone else.
3. Being forced to ditch his Blackberry, Barack Obama will have a device created especially for him. It will historically known as the first half-blackberry in the White House.
4. Amy Winehouse will overdose on drugs and die. The media will take, and publish, photos of her corpse for weeks before anyone notices that she is dead.
5. There will be some big storms that will kill people who do not leave when the police order them to evacuate. The news will report on a saddened nation, when in reality, the nation is pretty happy to be rid of it's genetic drift.
6. Your toothbrush will be obsolete. There will be a new toothbrush with a bit of plastic on it that does something your old brush could never have done. Holy shit were you dumb for buying that piece of crap. You should buy this new toothbrush. It's the best ever!!!
7. KISS vocalist Paul Stanley will come out of the closet and admit that he is gay. KISS fans everywhere will be shocked. Elton John will remind the world he was once married to a woman too.
   
8. The world will rise up as a united people and track down, and hen kill, the handful of people who actually buy hard-on pills because a SPAM email message told them to do so.
9. Apple will release a new phone called the f-uPhone. It will work just like a regular iPhone only it will be able to detect whenever someone calls you from a non-Apple phone and instead of putting them through to you it will berate them for being second-class citizens.
   
10. The most popular diet craze of 2009 will be having your jaw broken every time you mention that you need to go on a diet. So, on January 1st, when you have convincingly lied to yourself about getting in shape, the first person you mention this fact to will punch you so hard in the face that you will have to eat Jell-o through a straw. Right around the time you get you jaw unwired it will be time to trim up for swimsuit season, earning you another broken jaw, which should carry you right through to Thanksgiving.