Thursday, October 23, 2008

My First Sex Acts

This one is a bit, umm personal... I like Tucker Max stories, and while I can't say this is influenced by him I like to read his stuff because it reminds me of myself when I was young... take this story for instance:

Believe it or not I was not always married. In fact I was not always in my 30's either... in fact there was a point in my life was I was 15 years old and beginning the first of my long term relationships.

She was an awesome girlfriend. She put up with so much crap over the nearly 4 years we were together that if I could go back in time to 1986, and shoe myself right in the taint for all the shit I was about to put her through, I would. You betcha.

We met in front of McDonald's, exchanged numbers at Sheetz and a few hours later we were making out in front of a used car lot that has closed, and opened and closed again several times over. I'm not sure which one of those items is a metaphor for our relationship, but I'd like to think that the term "Special Sauce" is in there somewhere. (Keep Reading...)

After 2 days of seeing each other I finally convinced her to take her pants off for me. She was playing the typical teenage hard-to-get game and even with my limited experience, I was able to outsmart her.

ME: "Hey can I ummm see your bush?" (Classy guy right?)
HER: "What? No. I'm not that kind of girl."
ME: "No no, I know you aren't, but you are my girlfriend and I've always wondered what blonde public hair looks like."
HER: "Well... ok. But you can't touch."
ME: "I promise."

Here is my advice to all teenage lovers out there. Guys, when a girl takes her pants off in front of you, you can always do more than just look. Gals, if a guy says "I promise" remember that the phrase you just heard is actually an incomplete sentence and you have no idea what you were just promised.


Girlfriend: "Tell me that you will never cheat on me!"
Boyfriend: "I promise!"
Inside Voice of Boyfriend: "I promise to tell you that I will never cheat on you."

That, was another conversation that my girlfriend and I had, but I'll save that for another day when I don't have anything topical to blog about.

That was the first time we had oral sex. Or rather, that's the first time I gave her oral sex. Remember, she wasn't that kinda girl. It took me 2 full weeks to work my way all the way into her pants... Which is unfair to say because she wasn't wearing any pants that night. She was sleeping out on the back porch with her Liz - who just happened to be dating my friend Kirk. So what were we to do while Kirk and Liz were in the same double-wide sleeping bag as us having sex? Liz WAS that kind of girl... goddamn Kirk.

An interesting thing about a guy is that when he first starts nailing a girl, he is just so happy to be getting some that he will go week or months before even hinting that maybe they should mix it up a little and try some new positions or non-standard sex acts.

My first deviant suggestion was titty fuck.

Why titty fuck? Because I saw it in a porno. It looked kinda fun, and so far I had not succeeded on getting my spooge anywhere near her mouth, face or hair. I figured that this was the perfect end-run since the old BJ was way too obvious a tactic.

(Why do guys want to get spooge in those places? Because girl's who "aren't like that" don't want spooge anywhere near those areas. No other reason is necessary. They say no, we make it a target.)

So with a little convincing my girlfriend agrees to go with the titty fuck. I think my line of logic was... "It'll feel really good and there is no way I can get you pregnant!"

The only problem was that she was a small B cup.

(not her)
Not that there is anything wrong with B cups.

I honestly did not know how hard it would be for her to push her boobs together close enough for there to be enough boob meat to touch my wiener. God bless her though, she tried. She even did the hand over top of of the wiener trick to keep it down in the valley of her non cleavage. About 2 minutes later we just gave up and I was monkey jerking it with the exit hole pointed right at her face.

I made mime-like motions for her to open her mouth and she wasn't going for it. I don't know why I didn't just tell her, in words, to open up... maybe I thought that was just crude or something. I don't know. But an even shorter while later I was ruining what had to be one of the cutest blonde 80's feathered haircuts ever worn by a girl in the Mon Valley.

She didn't even break up with me. I told you, she was awesome.

So about a year later we have done all the fun sex things that teens do, except one. The dirty hole.

I know what you are thinking. It was my idea. But I assure you that it was not. Or at least it wasn't my idea at the time that it actually happened. I was not the guy to bring it up. I'm positive I asked her several times if I could put my bologna in her turd cutter and I'm positive that each and every time I asked she said I could just fuck off and die instead.

(After a year of dating me, kind and innocent girls tend to be a little more foul-mouthed.)

We were laying in bed reading porn ads. (I used to steal them from my brother as it was hard to get your hands on real porn when you were 16 and the internet wasn't invented yet.) She was looking at the section of videos that specialized in anal sex. Each video tape had a little picture of a little woman getting a big dick shoved in her pooper. I guess that when she looked at those pictures, instead of seeing faces filled with pain, she saw girls having a great time!

Take this picture for instance...

Look at that girl's face. Looks like that girl is having fun doesn't it? Now imagine that exact same smile on a girl with a giant cock in her ass? Now it looks like she is biting down hard to fight back some quality horror movie style screaming doesn't it?

(Another reason I bring up this board game is that Kirk and I worked at a toy store one winter and she was, by far, the hottest chick on a board game cover in that store. I think he once took the game into the bathroom during a break... Ok maybe that was me.)

Back to the anal sex...

My girlfriend paused in her porno perusing and looked up at me...

HER: "Do you wanna, ummm..."
ME: "What-havesex-yes." (I didn't use commas when asked about having sex.)
HER: "Yeah, sorta, I mean like different?"
ME: "Like what are you talking about?"
HER: "You know..."
ME: "Huh?"

It's amazing how stupid guys can sound when talking about sex with a girl... even if it's a girl that they have already drained gallons of cum in or on. I think the reason for this is that we don't want to spoil anything that she may have been offering! Like, what if we say the wrong thing (which we are good at) and she was just about to ask if she could invite her friend Allison over for a 3-some? Sorry but any real man will play dumb and let her spell it out when involved in conversations like this.

HER: "Like that thing you want to do..."
ME: "I want to do lots of things."
HER: "In the umm ahh butt..."

Natually I'm all for this? Why am I all for this? Because until that very day, she had banned me from putting my dong in her poop-basket and now it was more of a matter of pride than a matter of getting off. It's the same reason some douchbag risked his life to climb Mt. Everest. Nobody else had been there.

So I strip down nude, get behind her, and she stops me...

HER: "Do you have umm any lube?"
ME: "You have been having sex with me for over a year now. Have you ever seen any?"
HER: "No. Could we use butter?"
ME: "Hell yeah. If it's good enough for pankcakes, it's good enough for mudd flaps!"

I run down the stairs, grab the butter out of the fridge and run back up to my bedroom with stick in hand... actually a stick in both hands, only one was butter and the other was my penis.

I then proceeded to lube her asshole up with a stick of cold butter. I want you to read that sentence again because it's never been typed before and there is a reason why. Normal and sane people do not use butter on their asshole when they have sex. Being a teenager and not having any personal lubricant is no excuse either. But there I was - trying to melt butter onto her fart catcher so that I could violate it with less tearing.

Being the nice guy that I was, I put a little on myself too.

The next thing you know I'm trying to fit it in... I know it's not an easy thing for a girl to do and yes I was a bad boyfriend but I wasn't cruel. I was taking my time, just a little pressure at first, and then I hear her crying.

Oh god. What have I done to this precious little girl who asked me to butter up her asshole and follow it up with a cock chaser?

I ask her, "Are you ok baby? Why are you crying? Did I go too fast?"

"No," she says, "I just can't believe I'm doing this."

Did I mention that she was a blonde?


  1. Oh. My. God. I love this. You are Butter Dick now for the rest of the time I know you!

  2. What a Last Tango In Paris moment. You, sir, are CORN-OLEO :-p


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