Monday, January 12, 2009

You Are Not Very Important

I don't mean to insult any of you with the title of this post. In fact I am sure that there are several people in the world who think that you are very important, if not the most important, person in the world. I'm just saying that in the grand scheme of things you don't mean all that much.

Which is why I am pretty sure that some of the bar owners (and managers) in Pittsburgh are dumber than a box of rocks, even if you add in the IQ of the box that the rocks came in.

You see, all over Pittsburgh, on almost every night of the week, these idiots are holding VIP parties.

I'm not sure that they know what a VIP is. It seems that if you can find, and read, their grammatically incorrect posts on Facebook or MySpace, that you too can become a VIP and be treated just like - well - everyone else who shows up on that particular night and pays the cover. Back when I started drinking that was what we called "being a customer."

I can only imagine what it would be like to be a real VIP. I mean sure I own a Nightlife / Community website that generated over 8.5 million page views last year (we beat and I get treated pretty well almost everywhere I go. No cover, free drinks, all-access... But I am pretty damn positive that whenever a minor celebrity like Rumor Willis walks into a bar, that she (and her freaky mutant Rocky Dennis head) get actual VIP treatment.

I can picture it now. Rumor shuffles in, dragging her foot behind her. She sees the candles set out on the bar and starts screaming, "Gahhhhhh!" Three Jr. Assistant Shift Leaders run out and blow out every candle in the bar for her. Frankenstein's Monster is placated and orders her first drink. If she ordered braised puppy with fart sauce they would kill the dog, eat some beans and make it for her. She's not even a real celebrity! She's the product of Bruce Willis and that fake tittied girl who killed her career in the movie "Striptease."

So listen up Pittsburgh. Reading an invite on the internet, even if it was emailed directly to you via a bulk email list, does not make you a VIP. VIPs, even the lumpy headed Hulk Hogan lookalike above, get treated much better than you or I do. They don't pay for drinksm ever. They don't wait in line. They don't have to worry about the dress code. They don't have to do the fake-lesbian dance to get attention from the everyone in the bar.

"Hey, look over there!!!"
"What, beyond the two Mon-valley girls making out to try and get free drinks - say isn't that RUMOR WILLIS???"

I don't care if you paid $300 for a $40 bottle of vodka and have your own table. First off you can't buy VIP status. Second, you can buy bottle service, but you can't make yourself important. In fact I know for a fact that Ben Roethlisberger rarely pays for drinks, let alone $300 for some stinkin Rain Vodka.

So please Pittsburgh - patrons and owners - stop the stupidy.

You look dumber than Rumor Willis.


  1. These VIP parties are embarrassing, VIP equals very insecure people. Focus on creating a reasonable environment and the people will follow. This isn't Hollywood. Leave the Ed Hardy Ts at home.

  2. Couldn't agree with you more. I lived in Hong Kong for 6 months and every Thursday is ladies night which basically means chicks get a specific highly watered down chick drink. Sexism, I say. It doesn't even change the ratio of girls to guys. It just brings out creepier guys. In HK that means really creepy guys.
    nathaniel, are u planning on rolling out in more cities. ??

  3. Because I have no life, I didn't even know that bars and clubs had VIP nights. That is just silly. Back when I did have a life the clubs I went to had VIP rooms, but they were for the girls with big tits and no brains so the bar owner(s) and their friends could get laid.

  4. Very funny.

    Didn't want to leave this as a comment because I AM dumber than Rumor Willis (I set the bar low), but I believe in the 5th paragraph when you said 'mutat' you meant 'mutant'.

  5. Wooooohooooooo!!! Congrats on beating WPXI. You rock! GO BABY GO!!!!!! I am so proud. Tear.


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